How I made friends quickly in LDN

Tips and tricks from my first month (back) in Hackney

Firstly, panic. Get really worried about it. Feel that maybe you’ll never find your tribe, the initial flurry of new place activity will slow, and things will get real quiet and lonely forever. It’s particularly important to feel this way on your first Friday night in, when you realise you don’t have plans or anyone to call.

Then, embrace values of trust and togetherness and vibes of communism and communalism. Just vibe it out there. Sweat it out. Stink of going all in with other people and pulling your weight. People will notice.

Here are some ways to make friends.

Wine

Buy six bottles of organic vegan Rose in the first 6 days in your new location and produce them whenever anyone is around. Take them to the park with a picnic blanket whenever you go, and text anyone you’ve met about the wine. It’s really important it’s Rose and not Red, because that’s too heavy, and not White, because that’s too desperate. It could be Orange, but I moved to London recently, and I’ll start paying £23 a night to seduce friends when I’m closer to them and after the good stuff, like trade secrets and childhood trauma.

Let me reiterate this: You should be spending £11 per day on wine.

Housemates:

Your housemates are your family now. Rather than adjusting your personality to fit each one (if you have fixer or people pleaser tendencies this may come disturbingly naturally to you, but it becomes exhausting), find an activity you can bond over and let this become the basis of your relationship. J and I are at home all day together. We both like to make things, and have both recently built desks from repurposed wood. Whenever J gets excited about a craft project, I put whatever work I’m doing aside, follow him into his room, and offer feedback and (genuine) enthusiasm. He also loves to cook so I sacrificed one of my evenings to scoff absolutely delicious Bun Cha that he had spent all day making.

My flatmate M and I are hedonists. We enjoy dark chocolate, Japanese whiskey, and food. The other day we barely could contain ourselves because it was sunny, so we went to see our flatmate S play football (M’s suggestion—a good tip is to say “yes” to whatever your flatmates fancy doing) and spent the afternoon lounging on the grass talking about how we couldn’t stop doing nothing, because it was so much more interesting than doing something. We bonded over a shared appreciation for the philosophy of Winnie the Pooh. How surprising people are! That this esteemed Italian photographer (you never realised people are esteemed until you forage deep into their Instagram, do you?) would, apropos of nothing, espouse on his idolatry of Pooh and Paddington Bear. Of course, both bears are also hedonists and love to eat, too. I’ve asked M to try a new restaurant with me and we plan to go next week.

As for my other flatmates, I’m looking forward to ruch(e?)ing a shirt with my flatmate S, who works in fashion. We watched our last housemate ML run the Hackney Half together, and I’ve seen A play football. ML is a bit of a champion in this neck of the woods. Whenever I tell people I live with him, they swoon. I’ve been to a BBQ with him, and we are going out to a boat party and hopefully dancing at a big club very soon.

In terms of personalities—it is notable, living with 4 other people, that everyone has a different vibe and different capacities for connection. Rather than adjusting to meet a mood, try to relax into things. For instance, with J I can run my mouth. I can let that enthusiastic, chatty part of me have fun. I don’t TRY to shift my energy when I don’t want to talk, but when I do want to then I know where to go. ML comes across much more chill. Although I’m a high energy person, I actually find him so relaxing to be around because I can be quiet and, again, not TRY. He doesn’t need me to talk, and that’s something I can relax into too. Equally, if I’m high energy, he’s not bothered by me, because he’s so chill.

“Hit on” people having childish fun:

I met P the Friday I had no plans. I went to the park and wrote in my journal. A woman in her late 20s walked past, smiling at me, holding a football under her arm. The smile was genuine and came without me smiling first. But the football was the reason I went over to her. It seemed so playful and cute, bringing a football to the park in the hope someone would want to play. She invited me to hang out with her friends. I had my first kick about and my first try of edibles at the park, and that Friday night of no plans lasted until after dark.

X plays tennis. He was another person having childish fun in the park, hitting the tennis ball straight up, so so high in the sky, waiting for it to drop, whacking it over the net. But there was no one the other side! I went over to tell him he was missing something. He asked me to play, and we ended up talking for an hour or more, walking his bike through the park.

Join values-based groups:

The more I know myself, the more I know it’s important to be around people I can be my true self with. It’s exhausting to do anything else. Don’t spend time charming and adjusting for people. Just find friends you can geek out and relax with, with similar values to you. My leftist crochet circle provided 3 people I want to get to know. My communalist group was full of nice people I enjoyed spending the evening with. Don’t worry if you don’t have the energy to follow up on hangs; a group means you’ll see everyone again or be able to ask other regulars for the contact details of people you’ve met before in the group who aren’t there next time. Probably you’ll be connected on WhatsApp too—both my communalist study group and also Left Culture Club have WhatsApp groups you can be added to after you attend the groups. People suggest gigs all the time on them, and I’ve booked tickets to a comedy show with a woman I’ve never met but who I know shares the same leftist politics, particularly as the comedian is one of my favourite political commentators. I also joined my local Green Party, and hope to make friends through that. I used Meet Up to find groups I wanted to join, and found it easy to use.

Join a sports team:

Two of my housemates play on football teams and took me recently to watch an Arsenal game and then the championships league final (Dortmund woz robbed), where I met many of their teammates. I’ve already been offered to train with three different beginners football teams, with three different groups of people. London really is a football paradise. You literally can’t beat ‘em. So, you know. I started beginners training this weekend, joining a lovely community that’s really intent on democratising football. The coach and his partner were nice enough to invite me to a barbecue that day!

I also joined a rounders team before I even had my flat. My rounders team happens to be the nicest, friendliest, and best in the six team league, no room for alt opinions or takebacksies.

Go to events related to work (if you like your work):

Literary events that are cool are always on my radar. I went to one (the event I reviewed the other week on Substack) with a camera and took pictures, which allowed me to chat to all the speakers and organisers. I also sat next to someone who looked interesting, told them I was new in town, and exchanged numbers. I sent them a geeky, enthusiastic text about hanging out at another literary event (I specified a plan). They were pleased! Which was lovely. I find it nerve-wracking, but, hey, that’s life. Might as well be nerve-wracked while out and about making new friends. I’ve booked several other literary events through the app Dice.

Bumble friends / apps:

I created a profile on Bumble friends before I moved and rediscovered it on the last day of my first month in my new home. I paid for just a week, sorted through my matches, messaged everyone. Within an hour, four people had messaged me back. S lives very near me and told me he was headed out to walk his dog. I asked if he would like some company. We spent 3 hours talking, had a pint at the pub. This was a good one, because S was as motivated to make friends as me. He had moved a few months prior. He suggested meeting once a week or more and encouraged me to text him for lunches as we both work from home. It was the straightforward friends conversation I had been wanting to have with some people I’ve known a lot longer.

Give more to old friendships:

I did actually have this conversation with one of my best friends. This is important—to remember that your relationship with people you are already really close to can get closer. In my mind I had decided to see my friend once a week. When she mentioned how enthusiastic she was to see me now I live close by, I shyly pitched this to her. She was delighted. We haven’t missed a week yet.

Fill your days with nice randoms:

I also want to suggest an importance to temporary or brief connections. C, a friend I made in Mexico, text me to say he was in town. We went out one night, pub crawled, got happy drunk. He may move here; probably not, but I thought how when you’re new somewhere it’s just important to go out a lot, to be in that rhythm of being with people, to enjoy yourself, and hey… these are the evenings of my life. I want them full of laughter and conversation! People come and people go. Nights filled with temporary people can be as bright as those more consistently in our lives. And we never know who will become consistent ~ although as I gain experience of being myself, it becomes more important to me to have people in my life that I don’t have to try around or adjust for, but can be myself with and loved and appreciated for that self. People who are naturally “pro me” and consistently want to be my friend. I had a great time out with C, which set me up well for the weekend, and I’m sure we’ll remain friends and maybe that’ll give me someone to visit in Aus next time I go!

Be in the right space / be mindful

I lost my fifth baby at Xmas and knew I had to stop trying. In every way, emotionally, mentally, and physically, I had pushed myself too far and become kind of “harrowed”. My therapist suggested I journal about next steps. When I did, it was very obvious to me I would move back to the place in the world that is most “home”. I knew, however, that I didn’t want to show up and start making friends in a bad mental place. You end up putting people off (sadly—because on down days people may assume you’re a mopey old so when really you’re a happy bunny having a bad time) and creating friendships based on imbalanced dynamics. This happened with my ex. I was having a bad time when we met and so our dynamic was one that relied on me having a bad time. It wasn’t really a good time dynamic. So I went to Mexico for a while to offer myself healing time. Now I live in London, I take care to make sure I have time to grieve, time out from the city, and time doing crafts. I also brought a few things specifically for comfort: movies I watch repeatedly to create a comfortable tone, my favourite novel I’ve read a million times, a cuddly dog pal, and candles, a book, and a clay model belonging to my kids. Take care of yourself and try to be okay with things developing slowly.

Be outside

So I panicked when I first got to London. One month in, with something on every night that week and for the week following, I went on a very random Feeld date (probably will do a post on the romanto-sexual at some point). On the way, I bumped into a friend. This was the first time I’d bumped into someone I knew in my new locale. The date moved on that night to a pub. Sometime tapped my shoulder. I’d accidentally sat down next to P—my pal I made in the park, having a kickabout.

So those are a few rando thoughts I have on making friends. I feel now so much better than I did that first empty Friday. I’m sure I will have friends. I hope I’ll find people who I can have a really good time with. I have a strong need for silliness. Having been through pain, I know the antidote is mad mad joy. I hope to find silly people I can be close with and share my life with in that beautifully consistent and permanent-but-low-key way you can do with friends. Cross fingers for me! And I hope if you’ve just moved and you’re reading this, that it helps.

Try not to be afraid. If people in your past have been volatile, confusing, and difficult to predict, it’s understandable to be a little anxious or avoidant around new people. It does kind of suck when you aren’t close with people. Old friends who know and love you obviously are more relaxing to be around. But it’s exciting to think that the new friends I’m making now may be old friends this time next year, and it feels like life is really changing and growing.

Update: lots of people have messaged me about this post which is lovely! But if you share it, “like” it, or comment on it, it really helps me to receive more readers and get this, erm… party started? Anyway, it really helps, and if you have time it would be lovely of you to do so. Ta!! Xx